Ruben Kills the Winter Meetings

Word out of Indianapolis is that Phillies GM Ruben Amaro Jr. is killing them at the winter meetings. Quite literally. Billy Beane and Ned Colletti were pronounced dead at the scene, and Theo Epstein was rushed to the ER, where he is in serious but stable condition. Ed Wade was also pronounced dead at the scene, only to hop off the stretcher en route to the ambulance (much to the chagrin of Astros fans). Talking with reporters after the game, Wade explained that it was a defense mechanism he built up over the years. "You act like this is the first time some dude from Philly tried to kill me", he quipped as the reporters stared in disbelief.

According to eyewitness accounts, Amaro told the funniest joke in the history of the winter meetings, and quite possibly the world. The mainstream media does not want to report it, because it makes their funny pages look like television instruction manuals written by Congress, but the intrepid reporters of Cliff Lee Facts have gotten their hands on the joke, printed here in its' entirety:

We are willing to listen to offers for Cliff Lee

There was apparently only one individual in the room who was not amused. Former Blue Jays GM J.P. Ricciardi, who was reportedly busing tables at the event, promptly offered half of a bacon-wrapped scallop, three soiled napkins, and 10% of his tips.

Upon hearing Ricciardi's offer, Ed Wade really did die.